The Wit and Wisdom of The Brewers Arms Lewes

Who said that?




“I was very handsome when I was younger. I looked like a young James Dean…..Humility is an over-rated concept.” Eccles, King of Quotes

“I’ve just been to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. They asked if I wanted any anaesthetic – I said I’d already had some.”

“I was an opium addict for a month in 1975.”

“I used to drink my own urine. It’s very good.”

“There’s no flair in curry any more.”

“I’m in my Islam phase at the moment.”

“I think I might become a lifeguard at the Pells. I’m a very strong swimmer you know.” (Hope nobody needs the kiss of life!)

A denial that he’d been drinking somewhere else – “I’ve been playing tennis all day, so when the alcohol comes in it’s more receptable.”

Re: The smoking ban – “The scent of danger has disappeared.”

“Am I right, or am I right?” Heard frequently

“I don’t bore anybody!” Identity - Classified

“Being ugly is not a crime.” Mr N

“Something in my fridge smells really bad, but I don’t know what it is.” Racy Phil

On the prospect of dating a butcher – “You’d always be looking over your shoulder, wouldn’t you?”

“It’s not a tree, it’s a piece of wood.”

Customer: “What is it about Canadian girls?”
Rebecca: “I think it’s the way we say tom-ay-to
Customer: “I think there’s more to it than that.”

“Love… Is …. Everything!” Eccles parting words one evening

“I like classical music, but only the known ones – none of that underground stuff.” Matt W (Too many hair products?)

“I am trying to see a fit bird over the road and all I can see is the bloody toast in your beard!” Sam W to Chester

“I’m going home to take some hair pills.” Matt

“We should give them some string and a shield in case they meet a minotaur. It’s a f****** labyrinth in there!”
Adam, on why it takes customers so long to get from the front to the back bar.

“Stick a flake in it.” Dennis

“I am the most athletic person in this pub.” Go on, guess!

“A quiche is an eggy pie.” Shafi,

“Take me, take my onions.” Dating philosophy of J Eccles

“63 -it’s more of a wake than a birthday.” Eccles

“ I never throw anything away, although tea does lose its flavour after 10 years.” Racy Phil (who else?)

“The last time I beamed was 1985.” Teacher Paul

“I’m really perfecting the art of going to sleep with my eyes open. Just staring off into the distance…” Michael

ECCLES: I’m having my operation on Thursday
REBECCA: What your eye operation?
ECCLES: No, my sex change operation.
JULIAN: He’s going to become a man.

“If my children ate me when I die, I’d be very pleased…It’s a righteous thing to eat your parents.” Who could it possibly be?

“I’ve got to go now. I’m going to do some pimping.” John, Room

CUSTOMER: Can I just use the toilet?
KATHY: I’m terribly sorry, but … yes!”
A very busy Nov 5th

(As she eyes his golf clubs) “Do you think Liam would teach me how to play…it’s golf, right?”
Sarah the Wise

“I’m virile enough, I’ve got bucket-loads of the stuff at home.”

“I’ve cured hangovers. I just stay pissed.” Biker Vic (but could be anyone)

CUSTOMER: “I saw you at that funeral last week. You work at the cemetery.”
RACY PHIL: “I think you’ve got the wrong person.”

“There’s no such thing as perversion between two consenting couples…I mean two consenting adults.” John, Room

CUSTOMER: How much is your cheapest bottle of champagne?
CUSTOMER: Oh, OK. Can I just have a packet of scampi fries?”

Friday night, v late Nov 07:-
KATHY: Where are your ear muffs?
SARAH: They injured me.
KATHY: You’ve got dangerous muffs!

JULIAN: I was visiting my friend in North Carolina, and he said, “There are no bars around here.”
ECCLES: That’s f****** terrifying!!!

“Chocolate-backed digestive biscuits can actually be inspirational. I solved a problem with the server today by eating three of them” Richard Wakefield

“I drank 2 pints of Biddys when I got home. I didn’t know who I was.” Cider Rider

“Isn’t water 1%ABV?”
“Yes, drink 20 pints of water and you’re pissed.”
A serious conversation, overheard of course

“I am never giving birth, it’s not natural!” Sarah

At 11pm on a Friday night, Eccles stands behind a lady in the bar, moves her hair from her face and exclaims,
“Ah… woman!”

“I can piece together my weekend from this (The Quotes) book.” Michael

“I don’t argue with my sister, she does it professionally.”
Tony Heather, not Liam

“Christmas Ale – they sell it free here.” Eccle

“What’s Lucy’s name?” Tim

“Massages are great – especially ones with happy endings.” Cider Rider

“It’s a little embarrassing when you are on all fours.” Julian advises on the perils of drinking mead at the Gardeners

“I started singing to Kevin on Sunday night….no, not singing, speaking. I wasn’t serenading your dad!” Cider Rider

“Please don’t pinch my bum.” Kathy - to Sarah!

“It’s always wise not to know people’s surnames in pubs.” Eccles

ECCLE: The whole point of conversation is to disagree.
JULIAN: No, of course it’s not. Don’t be so silly.

John, on hearing that Harvey had had 5 pints of Biddy:
“I’m not allowed five, and I’m a professional!”

“I think a lot of life comes down to whether you’re going to be bored or scared.” Andy Thomas

“My brother is exactly the same as me, just more annoying.”
Not Kathy!

“You made me walk down St Swivels” [St Swithuns Terrace]

“Liz McClarnon! Wasn’t she a Nolan sister?” Tony Flynn

“I’m not going home. I’m staying at Harvey’s tonight. We’re going to watch the sun rise together.” Michael

“I’m having a day off tonight.” Kathy

Lone Customer: “Can I have pool change. I’m going to give myself a good thrashing.”
Michael: “Sounds like most of my evenings.”

Sarah: “Are these your glasses?....[Kathy is clearly wearing hers]..Are they mine?....I didn’t bring mine in today.”

“No wonder I’m so skinny. All I do here is sweat!” Michael

“I know where everything is. I’ve been in this body for 12 years.” Sarah, age 19

Dick Bennett: “You could have been at St Peter’s Day today.”
Customer: “I could, but my name is Paul.” (Mr Wareham)

“I had a dream last night.. I was sitting in here [Brewers] and John Eccles got up and left. And when I looked up again, there was another one of him in his place.” Terry

“Maybe it’s quiet because it’s the first Friday of the week.”

Stuart Eccles to father John: “Do you remember the time you dressed up as Saddam Hussein?”
John: “No.”

“I’m not touching John’s nuts….they are his to enjoy.” Jim

“I just looked at this credit card and thought his name was Leisure Link.”

“I’m a little teapot short and stout,
Here’s my handle here’s my SNOUT.”

It’s a tough call, watching cricket, or lying in a grave.” John E

“But you like everyone Kathy, you’re just too nice.” Not something you hear every day – thanks Kayleigh

John: “You should have stew on the menu in winter.”
Justin “We have venison casserole.”
John: “Is it dear?”
Justin: “It’s the same price as the steak pie.”
John: “No, is it deer?”

“That’s Sod’s Law. I walk into the pub, and everyone walks out.” Identity - Classified.

Kathy: “Think of it as an exercise in self-restraint.”
Sarah: “I’d rather spend 2 hours at the gym than keep my mouth shut!”

“To have a baby, you must be 9 – 10 inches dilated. “ Ouch!

Liam, re his real ales: “Sheep Head is going well – no Sheep Dog. And coming soon we have Fox’s Knob, or is it Fox’s Nod.” Possibly after a quality control session.

“Do you know what a Thespian is? Is it a lesbian chicken?”

“Are banks open on Bank Holidays?”

“I don’t get vegetarians. It’s not logical.” Michael

Sarah: “Just go out and get drunk.”
John E: “No, that’s a bad idea.”
Who’d have thought!

“My nan was a hypochondriac, right until she died.”

“Can you stroke the ice machine – it’s not working.”

Sarah: “What’s pollack?”
Paul: “It’s like cod.”
Sarah: “Is it a fish?”

Callum: “Thank you madam.” [to a male customer.}

Michael: “I think I’ll keep my trousers on to go home.” [talking about dressing to ride his motorbike home]

Ex customer to Kathy: “Is that your daughter?” [meaning Sarah, age 19]
New favourite customer to Kathy: “Is that your sister?” [meaning Sarah, now age 20]

Sarah: “Can I have some passionate leave?”
Kathy: “Do you mean compassionate?”

Pubwatch message from The Lamb over the radio: “We’ve thrown out an elderly man, age 40.”

Sarah: “Has anyone seen the Glass Cleaner?”
Liam: “It’s that one, with the yellow lid.”
Sarah: “But that says Window Cleaner.”

Justin: “Have you given up anything for Lent, John?”
Eccles: “Just smiling

“I shot it myself, right after it died.” Cider Rider

“This Lewes Pound, how much is it?” Welcome to the Brewers, Tracy!

“Hamsters grow into guinea pigs. They do, I saw it on Sky.” Tracy

Older couple: “Is Tracy working today?” Said to Tracy

“I was watching that programme about narcolepsy the other day – I fell asleep halfway through.” Sarah, of course

Note found in the Suggestions Box – ‘Black, pole-dancing midgets’

“I like your attitude.” Justin, to Sarah. Blimey!

Harvey: “What’s this picture?”
Tracy: “A Christmas tree.”
Harvey: “No, it’s a fish.”

“I’m going straight home after work, just a quiet night for me.” Yes Harvey, we believe you.

Sarah: “Did you know that if you hold a glass up to your ear, you can hear the sea?”
They both hold a pint glass up to each ear.
Tracy: “Oh, yeah.”

Anita: “Who is looking after the front bar?2
Tracy (in the back bar): “I am a genius, I do both.”
Anita: “Well, there is a 4 foot man waiting in the front.”
Tracy: “No, there isn’t….oh heck there is!”

Ed to Sarah, voicing everyone’s thoughts, “Put the knife down, Sarah. Someone’s going to get hurt.”

Paul Wareham’s philosophy in a nutshell, “Have it when you want it, Kathy.”

“That bend in the road is so dangerous that no one’s been killed there. That’s my point.” Eccle

Paul W: “Have a quick whisky before you go.”
Kit: “Oh no, I can’t. Oh all right then.”

Lady customer: “Can you ask that man to put his arse away. It’s very off-putting while I’m trying to drink my wine.”

“Make Liam work, so you can come out and drink. You’re much more fun.”
Kayleigh to Kathy

“How old are you Harvey?”
“You don’t look old, but seasoned.”

Shorts: “Give me your hand.”
Tracy: “Oh, are we just looking at them, I thought you were going to give me something.”

“I try not to. I don’t like thinking and concentrating at the same time.” Anon

Michael: “Any sauces to go with your sandwich Tony?”
Flynny: “No thanks, I’m saucy enough!”

Sarah: “I’m a genius!”
Kevin: “Do you even know how to spell Mensa?”
Sarah: “Mensa? What the hell is that?”

Kathy: “I like your hat Tony. Where’s it from?”
Tony Heaven: “I got it in Chicago.”
Sarah: “In 1742!”

“Kathy! You’re fantastic!” Paxo, clearly at his wisest and most lucid, and not under the influence

Note found in till –
Till will be 1p down, coz Flynny spoke to me while I was thinking

“This isn’t just an ordinary P45, it’s an M & S P45.” Peter Messer

“Do they speak a language in Egypt?”

Ian Nicholls: “I thought you and Sarah would hate each other.”
Tracy: “We did, and then we met…and fell in love.”

Sarah: “Netball? I haven’t played that since I was at primary school.”
Tracy rushes over at Olympic speed: “Did you just say you were pregnant?”

“My bird’s well fit. Even Sammy (Mr Selective Wynne) said so.”

Seager: “I hope you don’t get a room on a high floor at your hotel in Egypt. The rooms get smaller the higher up you go.”
Tracy: “Really?”

“I don’t know what a knob is.” Paul and Clive, allegedly discussing cribbage

“If I put hot water in the kettle, will it get hot quicker?” Guess who!

“You are sexy enough without having oysters.” Mr Heaven to Tracy

Paul Andrade: “If Tracy didn’t exist, you’d have to invent her.”

Martin speaks to Sam W. Sam replies, “I’m sorry I can’t hear you. Are you talking cheese?”

Tracy: “I watched ‘Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old’ earlier.”
Sam: “How did you get on?”
Tracy: “Not very well.”

“When I was younger, I used to cut the ends off sausages, coz I thought they were the naughty bits.”

“What language do they speak in Birmingham?”

“I have a fear of sand.”
“Where are you going on holiday again?”

“I’ve brought a bowl of water for your dog. What’s he called?”
“It’s not a dog, it’s my jumper!”

“I’m a very intelligent person, except where it comes to jokes….and thinking.”

“You’re going to see the school play. Are there any children in it?”

“Julian’s an ANIMAL!” John Eccles discussing the various Thomas bros

Eccle: “I’m known as John The Wise.”
Julian: “He’s none the wiser.”
Terry: “He’s no nun.”

Eccle: “Am I right or am I right?”
Julian: “You are largely wrong.”

Eccle: “At work I was thought of as something of a guru…no perhaps more of a hack.”

Flynny: “I AM normal, I’m a Northerner.”

“When I have my back to people, I am often mistaken for Brad Pitt.” Racy Phil – Hmmmm

Michael: “Did you know that when you have a bath you shrink and don’t grow back.”
Tracy: “Really?”
Perhaps that explains why John is still so tall!

Michael: “You’re a psychologist.”
Paddy: “No, I’m a philosopher.”
Tracy: “Does that mean you can read my mind?”
Paddy: “No one could EVER know what you’re thinking!”

Racy Phil: “If that’s Harveys Best, what’s its worst?”

Vic the Biker Domestic Goddess: “Bakewell tart is made of almonds.”
Tracy: “No, I thought it was made of cake.”

Young attractive female customer to Sam Wynne, “You sound like a hairdresser.”

Tracy: “I thought that noise was your trousers.”
Matt: “No, it’s the jukebox.”

Tony Reid: “Kathy, Phil’s got cramp, can you massage his….”
Kathy: “NO!”

Racy Phil: “I have a stilton in my fridge that’s 17 years old.”
Michael: “That’s older than my sister.”

Sam W: “What are we doing with these [paper drinks umbrellas]? Washing them in the sink not the glasswasher?”

Sophie: “Do you pay in Sterling?”
Sarah: “What’s Sterling?”

Clive: “Roll over and have your tummy tickled?” Apparently said to Jasper the cat, or was it really to Racy Phil??

Michael: “What does that shot of Apple Sourz taste like?”

Anon: “What tells your brain to think?” What indeed!

Jug Tony: “The world you live in , is a wonderful one Tracy.”

Racy Phil: “I’ve got a 12” version.” I’ll bet you have.

Sarah: “Where’s Arabic?”

Tracy: “Justin is just like a woman, only bald.”

Kathy: “Oh no, that’s too thick.”
Seb: “I’m sorry, I didn’t think it was that thick.”
Seb being trained to make the perfect Irish coffee.

Anon “What’s the female hormone?”
Justin: “Oestrogen.”
Anon: “What’s the male hormone?”
Justin: “Testosterone.”
Anon: “So what’s Austrian then?”

Tony Heaven: “Did you just say that I turn you on?”
Tracy: “No, I said that you took me on.”

Tony Heaven: “You have a very nice bottom.”
Tracy: “You shouldn’t be looking at my bum.”
Tony: “It’s pretty hard to miss.”

Seb: “Don’t squeeze me, I’m full of sausage.”

Russ: “I’ve got 4 kids.”
Anon: “What, 2 girls and a boy.”

Tracy to Tony Heaven: “Yours is smaller than Tony Flynn’s.” His pipe, of course

Tizzard: “Smooth as a samosa.”

Cider Rider: “How many overs in this Twenty20 cricket?”

Tony Heaven to Matt: “Listen, you bearded freak!”

Eccles: “13 stone is my fighting weight.”

Drew: “Do you think I’d get into Liam’s shirt?”
Tracy: “You could get into his pants.”
Liam: “I’ve got a bigger one upstairs.”

Anon: “How did you learn to punch.”
Russ: “Idiots like you!”

Anon: “What side of the road do we drive on?...So what side do foreign people drive on then?...Are their steering wheels on the other side?....It’s all right, Liam’s driving at the weekend.” She has been driving for 8 years now - scary!

Eccles: “This is my diary from 1968. I wrote it 40 years ago.”
Julian: “It hasn’t improved with age.”
Eccles: “You’re right.”

Michael: “My parents are a bit older than I am.”

Tracy’s mum: “The gear stick on a car is all knobbly so that blind people know what gear they are in.” Explains everything!

Anon: “Are left-handed people back to front?”

Tracy: “Clive and I want to invent something.”
Ed B: “What about sky hooks?”
Tracy: “Is that for the sky sky, or the TV?”

Anon: “Are you from America? Is that why we call you American Ed? I’m not very good with accents. Have you lived here all your life?”
Ed: “No, mainly America.”

Sat 27th June
Pat B looking at the front page of the Sun and a full page picture of Michael Jackson: “I can’t see him lasting much longer.” He had died the day before.

Sam W: “Who’s the better barmaid, her or me?”

Tracy: “When I was younger I thought it would be nice to be called Tracy Fudge. It’s a nice name, Mrs Fudge. I’d also love to be called wise.”
Kathy: “You’ll have to marry Matt [Weise} then, it’s the only way you’ll ever be Weise.”

Biddy Trip Quotes:

Kit: “No more photos.”
Sam: “I’m not taking photos, I’m recording it.”
Kit: “Oh, well, that’s ok then.”

Anon: “I’m drunk as a nine bob note.”
John Eccles: “I’m the sober one.” AND IT WAS TRUE! But a little later on…

JE: “I wouldn’t trust Liam, he’s called Liam.”

JE: “The actual act of entering Kent took away something… it took away our chi.”

JE: “Men without women tend to be…kind of…direct!”

JE: “This bar is animalistic, it changes you.” Welcome back John.

“Tracy, your breasts are exactly the same as Marie Antoinette’s.”
“Who’s that?”
Should Liam be worried? No its only Tony Heaven, chatting up Tracy prior to their date in Brighton.

Ed: “You don’t want to hug me, I’m all sweaty.”
Tony H: “In my life, you never turn anyone down.”

Tony H: “Most people don’t like sex the first time, but everyone likes it eventually.”

Anon: “What does your brother do>”
Seb: “He’s a game-keeper.”
Anon: “He keeps gays!”

Liam: “Can you look it up on your Blueberry?…I mean Blackberry.”

Compliment from a Dutch customer: “Your ploughman’s lunch is very tasteful.”

Liam: “We have a famous customer.”
Tracy: “Yeah – Sally!”

JE: “Tom Paine was the first Communist.”
JE: “I’m John, that’s such a powerful word.” (Back on the Biddy now!)

Sam Wheeler: “Can I have a steak sandwich. Does that come in a roll?”
Liam: “Not if you ask for it in a sandwich it doesn’t.”

Top medical advice to combat swine flu: “All the time you’re healthy, you’ll be fine.” Nurse Beth

Tracy: “Liverpudlian isn’t English.”
Sam: “Yes it is, it’s a northern dialect.”
Tracy: “But Liverpool isn’t in England…is it?…Cheshire is in Hollyoaks.”

Anon: “I don’t like fruit, it’s squishy.”
Ed: “Apples aren’t.”
Anon: “But they’re funny, aren’t they.”

Tracy: “What’s an organism?” Discussion follows, then…
“You can grow them in a petri dish? Can we do that here, and keep them as pets?”

Tracy (as the Regiment marches down the high street): “Do they have to walk like that all the time?”
Kathy: “Not when they’re being shot at.”

Dictionary of Smith: Plug Holders = switches, sockets

Scott: “If a dog attacks you, you can kill it by breaking it’s neck.”
Eccles: “Are we talking about children?”

The Great Cow Debate:
Anon: “Where does leather come from?”
Everyone: “Cows.”
Anon: “But leather isn’t fluffy like cows.”
Vic & Russ: “You have different cows for milk and cream – Fresian for cream, Jersey for milk.”
Anon: “A Fresian isn’t a cow, it’s a cat.”
V & R: “No, a Persian is a cat.”
Anon: “Do you really have different cows for milk and cream?”
V: “No, but if the cow walks to the stalls to be milked, it makes milk, and if it runs it churns up into cream.”
R: “Where do you think cheese comes from?”
Anon: “Cheese plant! AND mozzarella comes from a bull…no a buffalo. Oh bugger off!”

Kathy: “Can you help me write this blackboard?”
Sam W: “Yes, do you want it in the style of a prawn?”

Anon: “I HAVE had some nice girlfriends. There was you know…oh God, what WAS her name?”

Liam: “I know most positions, and they weren’t called that in my day!” Discussing cricket of course!

Tracy: “What’s a fresian?”
Sarah: “Something frozen.”

Biddy Jim: “I was still pulling into lay-bys in 1973.”

Tony Heaven: “These books are for Sarah. She wants to learn Spanish.”
Tracy: “Why?”
TH: “Oh, I think she wants to live there and run a bordello.”
Tracy: “What’s that?”

Eccles, as he and Julian attempt the crossword: “It’s quite fun this. I’ve not been so excited for a long time.”

Sam W explaining how he uses the Wynneeee charm to full effect at closing time:
Kathy: “What are you going to do, show them your beer mats?”
Sam: “Show them my wood louse???”

Eccles: “Why don’t we have a nude bar?”
I think that one answers itself.

Martin Thorpe: “I don’t accept money from women, unless thy want me.”

Kit: “Sam Wynne knows the square root of **** all.”

Intellectual debate in the front bar on the merits of pole-dancing:
Phil: “Tracy would look good in a Spearmint Rhino costume.”
Tracy: “You want me to dress up as a rhino?!”

Julian: “I wear more clothes than most people.”

Vic (possibly over-served): “I love you Kath. You’re my Doris.”
Carl (also possibly under the influence): “See Kathy, you’re nice.”

Eccles (back on the Biddy): “I’ve said some incredibly intelligent things today, but nobody listened.”

Tracy spies the quote book: “Bimey, has someone said something, and it wasn’t me?”

John: “Jim is my mentor…he’s hung like a donkey you know.”

John: “I went out with a girl once, and I actually milked her.”

Kathy: “I’d rather snog John than drink Biddys.”

Tracy and Sarah told the pub that they had both qualified as members of Mensa, but they marked the questions THEMSELVES.

Tracy: “That’s a nice Hawaiian shirt.”
John: “It attracts the women.”
Tracy: “Does it?”

JE: “God, there are some ugly people around.”

Tracy: “You do things with children, don’t you? I mean you work with them.”
Customer: “Please don’t shout that out like that in the pub.”

Tracy, describing someone to Russ: “He’s bald, with hair around the middle, like an egg.”

“Do you want a clean glass, or a new one.”

Nick: “Just give them a hug so we can go.”
Carl: “That’s the story of my life. All I ever get is a hug, then they leave. I’ve had three tonight!”

Mr H: “How good it is to be behind.”

Matt: “I don’t trust dark beers, it’s like they’re hiding something.”

Racy Phil: “Last week a customer was carrying her pint to the table and it just exploded.”
Matt: “What, the customer?”

JE: “Masochism exists.”

Liam: “I’m sorry but we’re not going to serve you.”
Barred customer: “Why’s that?”
Liam: “Because we don’t want to.”

Tracy: “And Steve…”
Mr Heaven: “That’s not a word you should be using – ‘conceived’.”

JE (after full Biddy ration obviously): “Is the Italian for haggis, ‘pizza’?”

Pub phone rings, and it’s for Chrissie. She takes it and informs the person on the other end of the line: “Hi, I’m in the Brewers.”

Anon: “What is a crossroads? Is it where the road goes like this…” She demonstrates a cross, and has held a driving licence for 8 years!

Sarah, watching the Super Sopper go round a cricket pitch on TV: “Why are they washing the grass?”

The end of a lengthy argument about who owned the Falkland Islands before the British:
Julian: “Do you know what you’re talking about?”
JE: “…No.”

Anon: “I don’t go on motorways so I don’t need glasses.”
Russ: “What about A and B roads?”
Anon: “I don’t use those either, just normal ones like this. I don’t use car washes either, since I was in a convertible and forgot to put the roof on…..those brushes are really scary…it’s not funny.”

Kit: “You won’t hear me say this often, but you are right John.”

JE: “How can someone called Phil be a physics teacher?”

JE: “We went on holiday to Portugal and she said she wouldn’t sleep with me because I smelt so bad….She’s no lady, she’s my girlfriend.”

Tony Heaven: “You’re very pink today.”
Tracy: “You told me it was salmon last time I wore it.”
Eccle: “It doesn’t smell like salmon.”

JE: “I may not look it, but I am a serious stud.”

Sarah: “That’s like the pie calling the kettle black.”

Tizzard: “I am the Steve Irwin of Thumb Wars.”

Matt: “That’s a nice name for a child – Lasagne.”
Phil: “Lasagne Baguette.”

JE: “It was a very strange pub, stranger than here! This bloke sat next to me and the next thing we’re having a discussion about religion!”
Matt: “That sounds nothing like you John.”

Anon: “And a parsnip in a pear tree.”
JE: “I had a full on bath this morning.”
Tony Heaven: “Well, it is your birthday.”

JE: “I’ve got a woman coming to stay, so between now and tomorrow I’ve got to transform my house into a cathedral…of lust!”
Sarah: “Cathedral of lice more like.”

Sarah: “What language is that?”
Nita: “Danish.”
Sarah: “Where’s Daneland?”

John’s verdict on his vast contribution to the quotes book: “That’s what happens when you turn 65.”
And then to Nita: “I’m all shaky, that’s what happens when you turn 65.”
Nothing to do with the cider then.

Flynny: “Would you like a seat?”
Racy Phil: “No thanks, I’ll try and stand.”

JE: “I may be a moron, but I’m not a cretin!”

Ian White: “Lewes is such a quirky town.”
Sam B: “Don’t you mean inbred.”
Ian: “So where are you from?”
Sam: “Er…Lewes.”

Flynny: “That woman has legs like oak trees.”

Tracy to Seb: “Are you anorexic?”

Malcolm to Tracy: “Just because you are sleeping with the landlady.” Don’t tell Liam!

Sam W: “We had a night out in Tunbridge Wells. Apparently it was quite good.”

Tracy: “I want to make something.”
Clive: “Why don’t you try making perry?”
Tracy: “Why would l want to make fizzy water?”

The seduction technique of one JE: “I’m cooking her fish curry, and then she’ll be mine. I’ll take her.”

JE: “When I was seven years old, I used to look through the keyhole at my sister getting undressed.”
Sarah: “That’s disgusting, it’s incest.”
JE: “No, it’s interest.”

JE: “Ten minutes ago, I was hungover, now I’m just pissed again.”

Tracy explained how poor her eyesight has become.
Teacher Paul: “Stevie Wonder could read that.”

Sarah: “What’s your girlfriend called?”
Anon: “Tracy?...Oh no my girlfriend….um..**** that’s it!”

Richard – Schoolteacher!: “How do you spell BBC?”

A certain member of staff to a clearly very busy Tracy: “I’m not being funny, but to be fair Trace…just put your hand around that will you – I’m offering you a free ticket to the gun show.”

JE: “I’d charge Sophie Anderton to sleep with me!”

Tracy: “Dirty Dancing is on tonight. Are you going to watch it?”
George: “Is that like X Factor but dancing?”
Eccles: “I could dress as Sam Wynne, he’s the only member of staff that already looks like me.”

Sally: “He’s 87 years old.”
Tracy: “Who? Your son?”

Kit: “If I raffle out all of his clothes, he [Eccles} will HAVE to go to India!”

Tracy: “Doesn’t Martin look really young in that photo?”
Kit: “It was taken 20 years ago!”

Gordon: “Gay bars are nice, they’re a happy place.”
Liam: “Cracking toilets.”

Eccles: “Do organic chickens give you an orgasm?”

Tracy: “People moan about my driving, but I haven’t had THAT many crashes!”

Tracy: “What’s that annoying noise?”
Liam: “That’s the burglar alarm going off.”

Kathy: “I’m going because I’m too pissed to serve anyone.”

Eccles: “I’m going home to appreciate myself – I’ve got a mirror!”

Tracy: “My mum’s really good at explaining things to me. She works with small children.”

Eccles: “Can you take me home?”
Lady friend: “I’ll throw you in the gutter.”
Eccles: “It’s the same thing.”

Sophie to Racy Phil, as she climbed down from a bar stool after taking some photos: “You can let go of my arse now.”

Julian: “I just bumped into a man I’ve never met before.”

Eccles: “I’m good looking, but sloppily dressed.”

Tracy: “I was a very intelligent child, I think.”

Eccles: “She’s a bit young for me, doesn’t appeal to my sense of lust.”

Eccles to Racy Phil: “I don’t know why you get photographed so much, you’re such an ugly b******!”

The Graft-meister: “Hi, it’s Louise isn’t it?”
Victim: “No, that’s my sister.”

“I make that Graft-o-clock”

Eccles: “I would pay serious money to see Jeremy Clarkson fight Simon Cowell nude in mud.”

Seb, after shattering yet another glass: “It’s weird, because it wasn’t even intentional.”

Sam W: “How come I’m doing all the work, for a change?”

Flynny: “Sally didn’t get me a birthday prezzie. She thought Tracy would break a tankard.”

Eccles: “What is that weird smell? It’s not me.”
Tracy: “Deodorant.”

Sam B: “Does spotted dick have cheese in it?”

Tara, about Racy Phil: “He’s like Hulk Hogan, but with glasses.”

Customer: “Can I have an apple Bulmers [cider] please.”
Tracy: “We don’t have apple, just pear or original.”

Tracy: “What’s the difference between gas and electricity?”

Tracy: “Morse Cold – is that where there’s bumps and you run your finger over it?”
Kit: “No, that’s Braille.”

Tracy: “Matt, can you whistle? Because I can’t.”
Matt: “No.”
Tracy: “See, he is the female version of me…I mean male.”

Kathy: “His knob came off in his hand.” (talking about Barnett Snr getting locked in his own bathroom)
Tracy: “Can you knit?”
Clive: “No, but I can crochet.”
Tracy: “Isn’t that a ball game?”
Clive: “No, that’s croquet.”

Eccles: “There was this bloke called Ugly John. Can you imagine being called Ugly John?”

Everyone at the bar is looking at Neeta’s paintings:
Eccles: “You draw a lot of skulls.”
Neeta: “I like skulls.”
Morag: “You like nipples too by the look of it.”



Jack Palmer: “Watching Blackburn is like watching Brazil play.”

Tracy: “Oh my God. I can’t believe I knew that and you didn’t!”

Vic: “Vive la France!”
Tristan (a Frenchman): “Why?”
Vic: “Haven’t a bloody clue mate.”

Matt: “I could never go out with a girl who was taller than me.”
Barnett: “Welcome to my world.”

Natasha: “I have to say, I actually agree with Tracy on this.”

Kit: “Two two’s are three, oh no they’re not!”

Racy Phil: “It’s so embarrassing, falling over going into a pub.”

Tracy: “I want a refund. A crazy tramp just kissed my sprouts.”

Ray to Seb: “Can you do a little walk for me? You’ve got such a wiggle, you could crack a walnut with those.”

Eccles: “Last time I had a bath, it was a very unpleasant experience.”

Eccles to Justin: “What a large chest you have – you are my kind of man.”

Eccles: “I am quite moderate in my drinking, as you know.”

Tracy: “I’ll have you know, I’m very good at subtle!”
Barnett: “I’d love one that big.” (A golf umbrella, apparently)

Paddy (off to complete his PhD)to Tracy: “You did teach me a lot.”

Racy Phil: “What have you come as?”
Seb: “FACE from the A Team.”
Racy: “Oh, I thought it was me when I used to work.”

Sam B: “What flavour are onion rings?”
Tracy: “Onion.”

Jake to Kathy: “The next time you see me, I’ll be in Afghanistan.”

Customer: “Who are you?”
Seb: “FACE from the A Team.”
Customer: “You need a big black man standing next to you.”
Enter Sam B, dressed as Zorro.

Tracy, clearly hungry, to a customer: “Would you like merlot or Shanaz?”
One week later: “Why are there three Shanaz’s open?”

Kit: “Tony used to fancy me.”
Tracy: “Why?”
Kit: “Coz I’m well fit.”

Eccles: “Just think. Me Tony Flynn and Dennis invented rock ‘n’ roll.”

Sally, going from Drew to Kevin Griffin as she said goodbye: “That was like going from McDonalds to steak.”

Tracy (during the snow):”Liam was going to come and get me.”
Paul A: “Is that because his car has four wheels?”

Matt, showing off his new boots: “I thought they might keep my feet wet.”

Matt: “He couldn’t pull a sausage.”

Tracy: “I had three pairs of socks on, but had to take one off because it wouldn’t fit in my boot.”
Matt: “The boot of your car?”

Tracy, examining the fryer in the kitchen: “I thought it was a goldfish swimming around, but it’s only a chip.”

Customer: “Are you serving food?”
Seb: “Yes.”
Customer: “Can I take a baby?”
Seb: “We don’t really have any babies to take.”

Tracy: “I’ll go and tell Matt. He won’t understand either.”

Neil, at Harvey’s leaving party: “I’m not buying him a drink. I bought him one last time he left.”

Kit: “The long bit has to be quite short.”

Mike: “He’s an Italian greyhound.”
Tracy: “Can he lip-read?”
Mike: “Only in Italian.”
Tracy: “Is it illegal?”
Mike: “No, he’s got a visa.”

Russ, about Sam W: “He’s a terrible barmaid.”

Customer: “You should do a range of non-alcoholic shots.” Why??

Eccles: “I drank a bottle of whisky last night. I don’t recommend it.”
Liam: “Was it a good whisky?”
Eccles: “I don’t remember.”

Eccles, on hearing he’s been voted Hunk of Lewes 2010: “Sam Wynne should feel proud that he’s in the same league as me.”

Eccles: “We should have a cross-dressing night…I could come as a man.”

Tracy, complimenting Matt’s nursing skills: “He’s like that Florence Gale.”

Sarah chases Seb and falls over…
Sam B to Sarah: “Are you ok?”
Sam B to Kathy: “How’s the table?”


Tony Reid: “What’s wrong with the jukebox? Is it broken forever? Because if it is, you’ll get a lot more custom from me.”

Seb: “There’s a definite smell in the back bar. It might just be me….”

Peter Messer: “Never trust anyone with a big head.”

John Eccles: “I’ll kill myself if I lose to Racy Phil in the Hunk of Lewes competition.”

Seb sneaks an After Eight mint as he leaves: “At least I won’t have to brush my teeth now.”

Ray: “I’m not allowed to wave it around in public.” (his gun, fortunately)

Tracy: “You think I’m joking, but I have an IQ of 143.”

Sarah: “I’m sorry but we’re not serving you because you left your drugs on the table last night.”
Customer: “Did I really? Can I have them back?”

Sandra: “Have you seen the new St Trinians film? I went to school there.”
Matt: “Really? Where is it?”
Later: Tracy, having read the above: “But where is it though? Is it in Lewes or London?”

Dizzee Rascal’s Bonkers is playing on the jukebox. Paul comes out of the kitchen: “This is a classic.”

Wainwright: “So, how did you get here tonight?”
Selby: “You drove me.”

Tizzard: “I am a stylish person.”

Sarah: “Have you put the bacon under?”
Seb: “I was just about to do that.”

Jake: “Are your lemons waxed?”
Tracy: “I don’t understand.”
Matt: “No, they are not fake.”

Eccles: “Liam is laid back, but Kathy scares the flying **** out of me.”


Eccles: “Perfection is my worst nightmare.”

Vic: “They’ve been brothers for a long time.”

Carl: “I don’t like willies, they scare me.”

Eccles: “It is arguable, isn’t it?”
Kit: “No.”

Nicholls: “There aren’t many bands I’d pay to see these days. Dukes of Leon perhaps.”

Rugby tour – a player arrives wearing clown shoes, trainers on his hands and a mankini.
Sarah: “Why has he got a rugby ball on his head?”

Ron: “I’ve had a bit of trouble with Furniture Village – they’re a furniture place. I bought a sofa – to sit on.”

Russ: “You should come up to Tyne and Wear.”
Tracy: “I’m not going to China.”

Vic: “I’m working nights.”
Tracy: “Oh, do you work? I thought you just drank.”

Smith: “Radley don’t do fakes.”

Sam B to Sam W: “I respect you for being one of the biggest idiots I’ve ever met.”

Sam B: “They are so chavvy they make Shameless look civilised.”

Kevin, about Sam W: “He can’t pick his nose, never mind pick a horse.”

Customer: “Of course I have to get up in the morning.”
Tracy: “But why? It’s not a work day.”
Customer: “So I can get pissed.”

Tizz: “I’m not having it Kath.”

Sarah: “A wasp was hibernating in the A board, and just stung me.”
What A Mistake To Make – lady walks into front bar and starts fondling a customer. He turns round and she realises her mistake. She’d been molesting Biddy Jim.

Kath: “The coolers are broken in the cellar.”
Tracy: “What’s a cooler?”
K: “It keeps the beer cold.”
T: “I thought that was a barrel…What are you writing? I haven’t said anything.”

Eccles to Racy Phil: “Good evening. You smell of garlic.”

Kathy to Vic: “Why can’t you be more sensible like Dave.”

Kathy: “Are you going away for Easter?”
Kit: “Yes, I’m going yesterday…I mean tomorrow.”

Russ and Co discuss a sweepstake they had on the horses.
Russ: “Is it winner takes all?”
Dave: “What if none of them wins? …..Am I turning into Tracy?”

Racy Phil: “I’m more scared of Eleanor than I am of Kathy. She’s not a child. In twelve years she’s going to bar me.”

Tracy: “When I was at primary school I was really intelligent. I just peaked too soon.”
Vic: “So, at about six then.”
Tracy: “Yes.”

Mr Heaven empties his rubbish into Kit’s pocket.
Kit: “What is he doing with my bum?”

Kathy: “I’m sure I’ve said this before, but Sarah please don’t write on the customers, especially with permanent marker pen.”

Sam B to Andrade: “The only person you can hate is your hairdresser.”

Seb: “I don’t do drugs. They just make me incredibly chatty.” Imagine!

Welsh Mike: “Tracy, your hair is just like Racy Phil’s.”

Racy: “I’ve never eaten bread when it was fresh.”

Biddy Jim: “Today’s V E Day.”
Tracy: “What does that mean?”
Punters: “Victory in Europe!”
Tracy: “What? D’ya mean when the Germans beat us?”
A little later, Andrade: “Germany wasn’t in Europe then.”

Mr Heaven: “Giovanni.”
Eccles: “Giovanni…that’s French.”

Kath: “Don’t let Seb break Matt’s birthday mug.”
Seb: “I can’t promise that.”

Eccles: “It doesn’t seem fair that elephants are on acid, and I’m not.”

Customer: “He’s in HMP.”
Matt: “What’s that?”

Eccles: “I’m on the look-out for a Jennifer Cake.”
Everyone: “Why?”
Eccles: “So she can become Jennifer Eccles Cake.”

Kit: “I think that all of us men who don’t intend to have children, should be castrated, as they have too much testosterone and go around causing trouble in pubs.”
Sarah: “I’ll do it.”

Tracy: “Rebecca’s off to Holland. Is that in Germany?”

Dave to Russ: “I can honestly say, I’ll never borrow any money off you ever again.”

Anon: “Is Mona Lisa a painting or a painter?”

Andrade: “How can you have an egg from a chicken without sex?...What about fish?”
Clive: “What about the Easter Bunny? He lays chocolate eggs.”
A: How do bunnies lay eggs? All that hopping about!”

Sam W: “I love working with you Smith.”
Tracy: “Are you drunk?”

Vic, admiring Seb’s new tattoo: “It looks like you’ve been run over by one of Russ’s lorries – nice detail.”
Tracy: “I’ve suddenly got more intelligent than the customers.”

Sally: “See you later, fat boy.”

Eccles: “Were you on the lash last night, Sam? You really shouldn’t abuse your body, you know.”

Tracy: “Is Julius Caesar still alive? Is it a woman or a man?”

Tracy: “When did people become real.”
There follows a discussion on evolution.
Tracy: “So if I kept a monkey long enough, would it become a man?”

Racy: “I’m the Jamie Oliver of Lewes.”

Tracy: “No one believes I have an IQ of 143.”
Sam Smith: “A what? Never heard of it. Is it a card game?”

Sarah: “John, do you know what would keep you warm? If you stopped going outside to smoke.”
Eccles: “It’s about 15 degrees warmer out there.”
Sarah: “Well stop coming back in then.”

Matt discusses his broken Mac computer.
Pete: “You should get an overcoat.”
Matt: “Is that a computer?”

Tracy: “Kathy’s drunk!”
Jan: “Why are you drunk? Oh yes, it’s Wednesday.”

Sains: “Can I have the Pollock and fish please.”

Tizz: “We were the best company in the country … until we went bankrupt.”

Tracy to Mr Meredith: “How many worlds are there in the World Cup?”

Clive: “We were very disappointed at the range of tarts available at Le Mans this year.”

Seb: “I was going to get you to swear on your mum’s grave, but then I realised your mum isn’t dead…yet.”

Matt: “I forgot how to write then.”
Later: “I forgot how to speak.”
Even later: “I forgot how to swear.”

Jan: “I thought you were skint.”
Andrade: “I went to the bank over the road.”
J: “There isn’t a bank over the road.”
A: “Oh, that’s why I couldn’t get any money. Don’t worry, I’ll pay. Have you got enough money, dear?”

Matt: “It says so in that big red book.”
Everyone: “The dictionary.”

Eccles: “Don’t worry, I’ll just sit here and watch you eat soup.”

Sains: “When she’s got a strop on, she will ruin your night.”
Toby: “She does that when she turns up.”

Vicky to Wynne: “You look better with hair. You should grow it.” (He would if he could)

Andrade: “What are those yellow peas called?”
Tracy: “Sweetcorn.”

Eccles: “The hand-raised pork pie – how is the pork hand-raised?”
Matt and Tracy: “They feed the pig and raise it by hand.”
Kathy: “No, the pastry is hand-raised.”
Matt: “Oh, I thought they milked the pig.”

Matt: “Where’s Eleanor?”
Kathy: “Sarah’s taken her to the school fete for me.”
Matt: “Where’s that then?”
Kathy: “School.”
Matt: “I request no more shifts with Tracy, it’s catching!”

Tizz, betting on the World Cup: “I’ll have 0-0 with Roben as first scorer.”

Vic: “What you’ve got to remember is that drunks never forget.”
Seb: “One word, Vic – tab!”

A customer suggests to Tracy that she put Paddy’s guitar under her chin.
Tracy: “Don’t be stupid, it’s not a cello.”

Wynne: “Do you know what this is?”
Tracy: “Not a clue, no.” Wynnie walks off.
Tracy: “What was it?”
Seb (whispers): “A crowbar.”
Tracy shouts after Wynnie: “It’s a Crowborough.”

Tracy to Mr Heaven as he types his PIN: “Use your glasses you senile old man.”
Kit: “For once, you’re not wrong.”

Eccles: “My girlfriend was dressed like a European.”
Flynny: “A human being?”

Terry: “What’s free tonight?”
Tracy: “Nothing’s free in this pub.”
Jan: “Apart from your wisdom.”

Andrade: “I don’t know why I bought a hedge trimmer. I live in a first floor flat.”

Tracy: “If I didn’t have an eye, I could see my brain.”

Becky: “Margaret Thatcher – she’s the queen, isn’t she?”

Eccles, watching a pint of Biddies being thrown away: “It’s an insult to nature.”

Seb: “The smell of mint really excites me.”

Tracy: “Did you bring a glass back from the beer festival?”
Kit: “Yes.”
Tracy: “Is it on the shelf?”
Kit: “No, because I know Seb still works here.”

Ruth: “I’m 4’ 2” you know.”

Nigel: “I was cutting wood before I could write my own name.”
Tracy: “Your parents didn’t look after you very well then.”

Seb: “I’m taking something to improve my memory, but I can’t remember what it’s called.”

Eccles: “There’s a nice vibe to this cheese.”
Vic: “Did you know that in Germany you are born one year old?”

Russ: “Why did you serve him before us?”
Tracy: “Because he is Norman Baker, he’s famous and has been on the telly.”
Russ: “So have I.”
Tracy: “Really! What on?”
Russ: “Crimewatch.”

Matt: “I think my thumbs have got bigger since this morning.”

Dirty Dave: “I’m on a mission not to get drunk.”

Kathy: “About your tab…”
Sam B: “Ah, yes. I was going to pay that tomorrow, but I forgot.”

Racy: “There’s a yellow flower that can kill horses but I can’t remember the name.”
Matt: “Hay?”

Sarah: “Don’t blame me Kath, I just do as I’m told.”

Eccles: “I woke up with a woman this morning and I had no idea who she was.”
Paul W: “Well, at least it was a woman this time.”

Eccles is stuck on the crossword. Sarah has a look.
Sarah: “Psalms.”
Eccles: “Ah yes, psalms. Did I just get that or did you?”

Tracy: “Ahh, bless. You were really happy to see Mr Burgan.”
Sam B: “Yes he used to teach me.”
Tracy: “His wife used to teach me.”
Sam B: “Really, what was she called?”
Tracy: “Mrs Burgan.”

Lady orders coffee.
Barnett: “I’ll bring that over to you.”
Lady: “I’ll be in the garden.”
Barnett: “Yeah, it’s ready now.”

Eccles: “I was sitting on the steps of the church having a fag, when a Chinese lady came up and patted me on the head.”
Eccles: “Actually, I’m a transvestite.”
Kathy: “Are you sure?”

“Hello.” Liam greets a pint glass, thinking it’s Jasper!

Jacky P: “I can run 2 miles in 5 minutes.”

Customer: “When they arrest you they take your trousers off you so you look like a proper t*** in front of the real criminals.”

Haley: “Sains, can I buy you a JD and coke? I want to pay you back for the bottle of champagne.”

Russ, to Tracy: “Ask Matt. Actually, don’t bother. It’ll be like asking yourself.”

Customer to Liam: “You have very nice shaped eyebrows.”

Wynnie: “She’s changed her Facebook status. Damn! I’m going to have to remember her name now.”

Tracy: “I want a micro pig.”
Eccles: “Then why don’t you get one.”
Tracy: “They’re £800.”
Eccles: “Well, then buy a normal pig and just slaughter it when it gets too big.”

Sarah: “He’s got something going on with his face.”
Kathy: “A moustache?”
Sarah: “Yeah.”

Babs: “She’s the size of one of those Big Yellow Storage units.”

Nicholls: “And if Russ told you it was Thursday would you believe him?”
Tracy: “It is Thursday.”

Barred customer: “If your manager has any balls, he’ll come down here and say it to my face.”
Kathy: “I am the manager, and you are barred.”

Tony Heather: “We’re not the same, you and me.”
Tracy: “No. You’re old and grey, and I’m not.”

Barbara to Liam: “Have you ever seen Kathy?”

Wynnie: “I’ve got to go home. I’ve got things to do in the morning.”
Tracy: “Like what? Have breakfast and read the Racing Post?”
Wynnie: “Yes actually. Do you have any idea what goes into a Big Boys Breakfast? Justin, tell her!”

Palmer: “Reindeer are basically like a deer.”

Drew: “Feel my thigh.”
Tizz: “Feels like cottage pie.”

Tracy: “Jesus isn’t from Islam.”
Pete: “Islam is a religion.”
Tracy: “Where is Islam?”
Sarah: “Isn’t it near Egypt…oh s*** Isn’t it a religion?”

Chester: “…and then he died.”
Flynny: “What of?”
Chester: “Death!”

Customer to Kathy: “You want me to leave?! I challenge you to a thumb war!”

Sam B: “You can’t go to bed Kath. I might have a Baileys!”

Tracy: “Why is your spaghetti black?”
Barbara: “Because it has been impregnated with squid ink.”
Tracy: “I didn’t know spaghetti could get pregnant.”

Rhiannon: “For which charity is Liam growing his moustache?”
Toby: “Prostate cancer. My mum had cancer.”
Rhiannon: “Not prostate, I hope.”

Vic: “I’ve got two words for you…See you later.”

Sarah: “How do you say ‘my name is’ in French?”
Barbara: “Barbara.”
Sarah: “No, how do you say ‘my name is’ in French?”
Barbara: “Barbara.”
Sarah: “No, je m’appelle Barbara.”
Barbara: “My names not je m’appelle, it’s Barbara.”

Eccles: “All these quotes on the wall, and I can’t remember any saying any of them.”
Flynny: “I think that’s the point John.”

Tracy: “I didn’t know you had no back teeth.”
Dirty Dave: “Why else do you think I have such pretty cheekbones.”

Eccles to Racy: “Before you die, please could you make sure you change your will so it allows us to eat you.”

Julie: “You’re a Malteser. Dark on the outside, but blonde on the inside.”
Tracy: “Maltesers aren’t blonde, they’re biscuit.”
At least 10 minutes later-
Tracy: “I see myself more of a fruit and nut really.”

Kathy: “Sam Wynne refuses to dress up for Christmas Eve.”
Weston: “He should wear a white shirt and come as a barman. No one would recognise him then.”

Julie: “I’m from the Black Country.”
Tracy: “Are you black?”
Julie: “No.”
Tracy: “You don’t look like it.”

Jack Palmer comments on the snow, “It’s raining chisel.”

Vic: “Barmaids are like buses. See, three of them walk in like a courgette.”
Kathy: “Do you mean a cortege? Another mulled cider Vic?”

Big Tim: “What’s a clamming club?”
Kathy: “It’s a climbing club.”

Customer: “When’s that girl working?”
Liam: “Which one?”
Customer: “Little one, big mouth.”
Liam: “Oh, Sarah.”

Matty: “I really need to learn how to use the phone book.”

Nicholls: “He’s the best dentist I’ve ever used.”

Tracy: “The sun in Brighton is a different one to the one here.”
Racy is talking about herons.
Matt: “Is that where kippers come from?”

Nicholls: “I’m 65 mate. I used to be pretty.”

Tracy: “Did you like that soup I gave you?”
Matt: “The vegetables were ok but the watery bit wasn’t very nice.”
Barnett: “You mean the soup!?”

Sarah Ellis: “Come on Jack, let’s have an arm wrestle.”
Palmer: “I can’t. I’ve been bitten by a dog.”
Sarah: “That was your leg.”

Kathy: “The best cure for hiccups is to give Tracy a pound.”

Tracy: “Chickpeas come from chickens, don’t they?”

Kath: “Seb, could you just pop to Catlins for me?”
Seb: “I don’t think he likes me. I was in there earlier, and I may have knocked over a display.”

Customer: “Can I have half a Harveys without any sexual stimulant added.”

Judith: “How was your Xmas dinner?”
Eccles: “I found something in the freezer and defrosted it. I haven’t a clue what it was.”

Russ, doing the crossword: “Green thing you eat, three letters.”
Tracy: “Cheese.”

Sarah to Drew: “You’re only here to sexually disturb the bar staff.”

Drew turns to an odd customer and says loudly: “No I will not take my clothes off and touch you!”

Tracy: “Is a hobbit like a rabbit? There’s a book about hobbits but I can’t remember what it’s called.”
Kathy: “The Hobbit.”
Tracy: “Can you buy a hobbit?”
Russ: “No, they’re endangered.”

Matt: “I wonder what makes a mint minty?”
Jack P: “I’m like Gandhi, but wiser.”

Tracy: “Who is the best barrister?”
Customer: “I would say Meredith is the best advocate.”
Tracy: “What’s that? I thought it was a fruit.”

Tracy: “Who are those customers?”
Barnett: “Lewes football fans.”
Tracy: “Are they playing in here?”

Customer to Sains: “I hope you like hospital food!”
Sains: “Do your worst, I’m with BUPA!”

Tracy: “What car have you got nowadays?”
Seager: “An Astra that leaks.”
Tracy: “Why don’t you get it fixed then?”
Seager: “Because I spend all my money in here!”

Tracy: “What’s bigger – a land or an island? We need a history teacher.”
Barnett: “Don’t you mean geography?”

Tracy: “Right! For the rest of my shift I’m going to be really polite.”
1 min 12 secs later: “Oh b******* to that.”

Tracy: “What can I get mummy for her birthday?”
Eleanor: “You can get her something she’s always wanted.”
Tracy: “What’s that?”
Eleanor: “I don’t know.”

Dave: “You know the game dominoes?”
Tracy: “What, the pizza place?...Oh you mean where you stand them all up and then knock them down?....So you play against someone? Otherwise it’s a bit boring innit?”

Seb looks at a driving licence ID: “Looks like it belongs to a short person.”

Seb: “We could start our own tobacco farm.”
Matt: “Yeah, we could call it S & B. Wait a minute, my name doesn’t begin with B.”

Sains: “I need a couple of days notice to do it straight away.”

Customer: “I can show you my nipple piercing and my Uncle Albert.”
Kathy: “Do you mean Prince Albert.”
Customer: “No, Uncle.”

Sam B: “Are you familiar with ‘fantasy’?”
Tracy: “Are you saying The Hobbit’s not real? It is. Paddy who used to work here was one…or was that a leprechaun?”

Sam W: “I reckon I’d be good at giving birth.”

Customer: “A bottle of Becks please.”
Tracy: “You usually have wine.”
Customer: “Yes, but I have diarrhoea. Becks please.”

Sam ‘Modesty’ Wynne: “Yeah, but I am f****** handsome though.”

Clive, discussing the joys of camping with Ruth: “If you ever fancy going away with a grope of men…I mean a GROUP.”

Richard W, after being interrupted, “Now, what was I saying that was really uninteresting?”

Seb: “Tracy’s 27.”
Tracy: “I’ll have you know I’ll be 28 in two weeks.”
Seb: “That still makes you 27.”

Seb: “Someone was checking out my ass.”
Sarah: “Who?”
Seb: “Some girls, and they really were girls too.”

Dave: “You look like a dalmation killer.”

Dave, about Liam: “He looks like a welcome mat with eyes.”

Matt, eying a coffee sachet: “Do you have to add water to it?”

Tracy, describing a customer: “He’s riff-raff.”
Eccles: “Is that his real name?”

Tracy to Toby: “You’re anti-social.”
Kathy: “Just because he won’t take his trousers off?”

Kit: “Do you have any jump leads?”
Tracy: “No.”
Kit: “That’s odd. How does a place like this operate without jump leads?”
Tracy: “Well, we’re a pub.”

Eccle: “I once gate-crashed a party and drank nail varnish remover from a Martini bottle.”
Kathy: “The beginning of the end.”

Barbara, to unknown youngster: “Take your hat off now! You’re on CCTV and we need to see your face.”

Matt: “Bees produce milk.”
Sam: “No, honey.”

Sarah: “Wasn’t the First World War in the 1990s?”

Russ: “My mate’s just sold his body to medical science.”
Dave: “Do you get the money upfront?”

Ruth: “I accidentally went to a brewery in Horsham yesterday.”

Sains: “It was like the Folkestone War, I mean the Falklands.”

Sam W: “Stop picking on me you lot. I don’t make fun of anyone.”

Gabi, when her bike was stolen: “I was as livid as an earwig.”

Customer, complaining about being asked for ID: “Next time I’ll just get my c*** out.”
Staff: “I don’t think that’ll work. We get a lot of c***s in here.”

Matt: “He was with this girl at the Christening.”
Tracy: “Christening?”
Matt: “I mean funeral. They all seemed so happy.”

Tracy, looking at some photos: “Who’s that? Is it Sarah?”
Matt: “No, it’s Harvey.”
Kathy: “Actually it’s Lucy, with a beard.”

Tracy: “Who wrote Alice in Wonderland? Was it Simon? Did they go to the Old Grammar School?”

Vic: “There’s this 85 year old woman where I live who pays £100 for sex.”
Dave: “I’ll do it for a fiver.”

Eccle: “I must be the only person in Lewes who can speak New Guinea Pigeon.”

Sam B: “Do you like hospital food?”
Tracy: “Yes.”
Sam: “When did you eat any?”
Tracy: “When I was in hospital.”

Eccle: “Tony Heather must be suppressing his lust with gravy.”

Seb: “Do we have any degreaser?”
Vic: “Why, are you washing your hair?”

Tracy: “We could have a little doggy party.”
Richard: “No, my dog would just want to sh** your dog.”
Tracy: “But he’s a boy.”
Richard: “Yeah, but he wants to sh** anything.”
Vic: “What’s he doing tonight?”

Brian: “He’s like a white Eminem.”

Shorts to Sarah: “You keep me sane, believe it or not.”

Tracy: “Kathy said we’re not allowed to tap on the fish bowl.”
Sam B: “No, it will make the fish go deaf.”

Tracy, still eying the fish: “Do you reckon they can survive out of the water?”

Customer: “I had a pashmina naan.”

Ron, offering to be helpful: “I’ll murder you.”

Tracy: “Are sheep and lambs the same thing?”

Sains: “Northern Soul, isn’t that a fish?”
Matt: “That’s Dover Sole.”

Barbara: “Toffee crumble is like Banoffee Pie without the banana and the cream.”

Kathy: “I will be nice. It is the season of goodwill to all d********”

Tracy: “I’ll have the cheese and onion quiche if you can take the onion out.”

Eccle: “My parents took me to Lancashire when I was a baby to keep me safe from the war. But then they took one look at me and decided to bring me straight back into the path of the bombs.”

Seb to Racy: “Have you had your hair cut? You look a bit less feral.”

Eccle: “I hear better when I have my glasses on.”

Customer: “Can you tell me what the soup is please?”
Sarah: “Broccoli and stilton.”
Customer: “Can you tell me what’s in that?”
Sarah: “…well, broccoli and stilton.”

Mumbles: “Who sang this song?”
Tracy: “Norman Baker.”
Mumbles: “No, Norman Cook.”

Sally: “I’m pissed as a pudding.”

Seb, after eating fried egg and chips: “I’ve got to go home and eat a roast now, but it’s ok because I went to the gym earlier.”

Customer: “I don’t stand a chance with her, she knows me.”

Flynny: “Have you seen Judith this week?”
Tracy: “I haven’t actually. Has she got another new job?”

Sarah: “What’s his girlfriend’s name? Is it Chav?”

Matt: “I’m going to buy a dog.”
Tracy: “Really.”
Matt: “Yeah, in 45 years time.”

Customer: “I don’t know how much salt they put in this celery salt.”

Tracy: “This biltong looks like feet.”

Customer, eating a ploughmans: “I am really sad.”
Kathy: “Why?”
Customer: “I have run out of bread but still have some cheese.”

Neil, no relation to Tracy whatsoever: “The Easter Bunny died for our sins so we can eat chocolate.”

Tracy: “I learn something every day.”
Ian Weston: “It’s a shame we don’t have another 300 years, you’d be a genius.”

Barbara: “With that haircut you need to be with a woman who is very confident sexually. Either that or go to Brighton.”

Matt: “Your hair looks different. Have you had it cut?”
Eccle: “No, I’ve washed it.”

Sam, to Jack P’s sister: “Hi, are you Jack’s brother?”

Jack to Tracy: “How are you still alive?”

Customer: “The English will always hate the French…ah hello Tristan.”

Tracy: “I want to try the new sparkling Ribena.”
Matt: “Is it fizzy?”

Tony Heather: “Here she is, the biggest Easter egg in the world.”

Tracy, watching the Royal Wedding: “Have we ever had a king?”

Customer: “Your fag machine is on fire.”
Kathy: “Thanks, do you mean the cigarette bin?”

Jack P: “I’m a working man, not a chav. You get a certificate.”

Kathy to Racy as he coughs and splutters: “Do you want a drink of water?”
Tony Reid: “Certainly not. Are you trying to kill him?”

Eccles: “I find burkas very sexy.”

Racy: “Do you finish at 7.30?”
Tracy: “Yes, then you have Nicky and Seb.”
Kit: “So that’ll be her first and last night then.”
Liam: “Well, she’ll know where the dust pan and brush are before she uses the till.”

Customer: “People who don’t use their vote should have their legs Oh, sorry Dennis.”

Jack P: “She loves me more than Barnett loves me.”

Dave: “Football? Running? I’d be sick.”

Sam B to Paul: “Is there kidney in the steak and kidney pie?”

Tracy: “Chips are good for you.”
Anwar: “They’re fried.”
Tracy: “Not if you put them in the oven.”

Tracy: “Barnett wants me and Palmer to go on an Idiot Abroad.”
Kathy: “Idiot porn?!”

Tracy: “My mum brings work home with her from school.”
Kathy: “What age children does she work with?”
Tracy: “Reception. It’s great, we get to do colouring in.”

Matt: “Has Barbara told you about the restaurant in London that has elephants walking about.”
Tracy: “They’re not real ones.”
Matt: “That’s crap. I thought they were real ones that came and sat at your table and ate your dinner.”

Seb: “I would quite like to have Pippa’s bum.”

Large customer: “I have membership to the David Lloyd gym. They have great BBQs.”

Eccle: “That’s the worst dressed man I’ve seen this year.”

Matt: “Does she have a job?”
Jack P: “With that tan she should work for Tango promotions.”

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