The Wit and Wisdom of The Brewers Arms Lewes Who said that? “I was very handsome when I was younger. I looked like a young James Dean…..Humility is an over-rated concept.” Eccles, King of Quotes “I’ve just been to the dentist to have a tooth pulled. They asked if I wanted any anaesthetic – I said I’d already had some.” “I was an opium addict for a month in 1975.” “I used to drink my own urine. It’s very good.” “There’s no flair in curry any more.” “I’m in my Islam phase at the moment.” “I think I might become a lifeguard at the Pells. I’m a very strong swimmer you know.” (Hope nobody needs the kiss of life!) A denial that he’d been drinking somewhere else – “I’ve been playing tennis all day, so when the alcohol comes in it’s more receptable.” Re: The smoking ban – “The scent of danger has disappeared.” “Am I right, or am I right?” Heard frequently “I don’t bore anybody!” Identity - Classified “Being ugly is not a crime.” Mr N “Something in my fridge smells really bad, but I don’t know what it is.” Racy Phil On the prospect of dating a butcher – “You’d always be looking over your shoulder, wouldn’t you?” “It’s not a tree, it’s a piece of wood.” Customer: “What is it about Canadian girls?” “Love… Is …. Everything!” Eccles parting words one evening “I like classical music, but only the known ones – none of that underground stuff.” Matt W (Too many hair products?) “I am trying to see a fit bird over the road and all I can see is the bloody toast in your beard!” Sam W to Chester “I’m going home to take some hair pills.” Matt “We should give them some string and a shield in case they meet a minotaur. It’s a f****** labyrinth in there!” “Stick a flake in it.” Dennis “I am the most athletic person in this pub.” Go on, guess! “A quiche is an eggy pie.” Shafi, “Take me, take my onions.” Dating philosophy of J Eccles “63 -it’s more of a wake than a birthday.” Eccles “ I never throw anything away, although tea does lose its flavour after 10 years.” Racy Phil (who else?) “The last time I beamed was 1985.” Teacher Paul “I’m really perfecting the art of going to sleep with my eyes open. Just staring off into the distance…” Michael ECCLES: I’m having my operation on Thursday “If my children ate me when I die, I’d be very pleased…It’s a righteous thing to eat your parents.” Who could it possibly be? “I’ve got to go now. I’m going to do some pimping.” John, Room CUSTOMER: Can I just use the toilet? (As she eyes his golf clubs) “Do you think Liam would teach me how to play…it’s golf, right?” “I’m virile enough, I’ve got bucket-loads of the stuff at home.” “I’ve cured hangovers. I just stay pissed.” Biker Vic (but could be anyone) CUSTOMER: “I saw you at that funeral last week. You work at the cemetery.” “There’s no such thing as perversion between two consenting couples…I mean two consenting adults.” John, Room CUSTOMER: How much is your cheapest bottle of champagne? Friday night, v late Nov 07:- JULIAN: I was visiting my friend in North Carolina, and he said, “There are no bars around here.” “Chocolate-backed digestive biscuits can actually be inspirational. I solved a problem with the server today by eating three of them” Richard Wakefield “I drank 2 pints of Biddys when I got home. I didn’t know who I was.” Cider Rider “Isn’t water 1%ABV?” “I am never giving birth, it’s not natural!” Sarah At 11pm on a Friday night, Eccles stands behind a lady in the bar, moves her hair from her face and exclaims, “I can piece together my weekend from this (The Quotes) book.” Michael “I don’t argue with my sister, she does it professionally.” “Christmas Ale – they sell it free here.” Eccle “What’s Lucy’s name?” Tim “Massages are great – especially ones with happy endings.” Cider Rider “It’s a little embarrassing when you are on all fours.” Julian advises on the perils of drinking mead at the Gardeners “I started singing to Kevin on Sunday night….no, not singing, speaking. I wasn’t serenading your dad!” Cider Rider “Please don’t pinch my bum.” Kathy - to Sarah! “It’s always wise not to know people’s surnames in pubs.” Eccles ECCLE: The whole point of conversation is to disagree. John, on hearing that Harvey had had 5 pints of Biddy: “I think a lot of life comes down to whether you’re going to be bored or scared.” Andy Thomas “My brother is exactly the same as me, just more annoying.” “You made me walk down St Swivels” [St Swithuns Terrace] “Liz McClarnon! Wasn’t she a Nolan sister?” Tony Flynn “I’m not going home. I’m staying at Harvey’s tonight. We’re going to watch the sun rise together.” Michael “I’m having a day off tonight.” Kathy Sarah: “Are these your glasses?....[Kathy is clearly wearing hers]..Are they mine?....I didn’t bring mine in today.” “No wonder I’m so skinny. All I do here is sweat!” Michael “I know where everything is. I’ve been in this body for 12 years.” Sarah, age 19 Dick Bennett: “You could have been at St Peter’s Day today.” “I had a dream last night.. I was sitting in here [Brewers] and John Eccles got up and left. And when I looked up again, there was another one of him in his place.” Terry “Maybe it’s quiet because it’s the first Friday of the week.” Stuart Eccles to father John: “Do you remember the time you dressed up as Saddam Hussein?” “I’m not touching John’s nuts….they are his to enjoy.” Jim “I just looked at this credit card and thought his name was Leisure Link.” “I’m a little teapot short and stout, It’s a tough call, watching cricket, or lying in a grave.” John E “But you like everyone Kathy, you’re just too nice.” Not something you hear every day – thanks Kayleigh John: “You should have stew on the menu in winter.” “That’s Sod’s Law. I walk into the pub, and everyone walks out.” Identity - Classified. Kathy: “Think of it as an exercise in self-restraint.” “To have a baby, you must be 9 – 10 inches dilated. “ Ouch! |
Sarah: “Netball? I haven’t played that since I was at primary school.” “My bird’s well fit. Even Sammy (Mr Selective Wynne) said so.” Seager: “I hope you don’t get a room on a high floor at your hotel in Egypt. The rooms get smaller the higher up you go.” “If I put hot water in the kettle, will it get hot quicker?” Guess who! “You are sexy enough without having oysters.” Mr Heaven to Tracy Paul Andrade: “If Tracy didn’t exist, you’d have to invent her.” Martin speaks to Sam W. Sam replies, “I’m sorry I can’t hear you. Are you talking cheese?” Tracy: “I watched ‘Are You Smarter Than A Ten Year Old’ earlier.” “What language do they speak in Birmingham?” “I have a fear of sand.” “I’ve brought a bowl of water for your dog. What’s he called?” “I’m a very intelligent person, except where it comes to jokes….and thinking.” “You’re going to see the school play. Are there any children in it?” “Julian’s an ANIMAL!” John Eccles discussing the various Thomas bros Eccle: “I’m known as John The Wise.” Eccle: “Am I right or am I right?” Eccle: “At work I was thought of as something of a guru…no perhaps more of a hack.” Flynny: “I AM normal, I’m a Northerner.” “When I have my back to people, I am often mistaken for Brad Pitt.” Racy Phil – Hmmmm Michael: “Did you know that when you have a bath you shrink and don’t grow back.” Michael: “You’re a psychologist.” Racy Phil: “If that’s Harveys Best, what’s its worst?” Vic the Biker Domestic Goddess: “Bakewell tart is made of almonds.” Young attractive female customer to Sam Wynne, “You sound like a hairdresser.” Tracy: “I thought that noise was your trousers.” Tony Reid: “Kathy, Phil’s got cramp, can you massage his….” Paul W: “Have a quick whisky before you go.” Lady customer: “Can you ask that man to put his arse away. It’s very off-putting while I’m trying to drink my wine.” “Make Liam work, so you can come out and drink. You’re much more fun.” “How old are you Harvey?” Shorts: “Give me your hand.” “I try not to. I don’t like thinking and concentrating at the same time.” Anon Michael: “Any sauces to go with your sandwich Tony?” Sarah: “I’m a genius!” Kathy: “I like your hat Tony. Where’s it from?” “Kathy! You’re fantastic!” Paxo, clearly at his wisest and most lucid, and not under the influence Note found in till – “This isn’t just an ordinary P45, it’s an M & S P45.” Peter Messer “Do they speak a language in Egypt?” Ian Nicholls: “I thought you and Sarah would hate each other.” Older couple: “Is Tracy working today?” Said to Tracy “I was watching that programme about narcolepsy the other day – I fell asleep halfway through.” Sarah, of course Note found in the Suggestions Box – ‘Black, pole-dancing midgets’ “I like your attitude.” Justin, to Sarah. Blimey! Harvey: “What’s this picture?” “I’m going straight home after work, just a quiet night for me.” Yes Harvey, we believe you. Sarah: “Did you know that if you hold a glass up to your ear, you can hear the sea?” Anita: “Who is looking after the front bar?2 Ed to Sarah, voicing everyone’s thoughts, “Put the knife down, Sarah. Someone’s going to get hurt.” Paul Wareham’s philosophy in a nutshell, “Have it when you want it, Kathy.” “That bend in the road is so dangerous that no one’s been killed there. That’s my point.” Eccle Liam, re his real ales: “Sheep Head is going well – no Sheep Dog. And coming soon we have Fox’s Knob, or is it Fox’s Nod.” Possibly after a quality control session. “Do you know what a Thespian is? Is it a lesbian chicken?” “Are banks open on Bank Holidays?” “I don’t get vegetarians. It’s not logical.” Michael Sarah: “Just go out and get drunk.” “My nan was a hypochondriac, right until she died.” “Can you stroke the ice machine – it’s not working.” Sarah: “What’s pollack?” Callum: “Thank you madam.” [to a male customer.} Michael: “I think I’ll keep my trousers on to go home.” [talking about dressing to ride his motorbike home] Ex customer to Kathy: “Is that your daughter?” [meaning Sarah, age 19] Sarah: “Can I have some passionate leave?” Pubwatch message from The Lamb over the radio: “We’ve thrown out an elderly man, age 40.” Sarah: “Has anyone seen the Glass Cleaner?” “I shot it myself, right after it died.” Cider Rider “This Lewes Pound, how much is it?” Welcome to the Brewers, Tracy! “Hamsters grow into guinea pigs. They do, I saw it on Sky.” Tracy |
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